So lately, I've been addicted to KPOP (but right now, I'm listening to an English song, just trying to get things back, be who I was before).
I only blog because of these emotions stuck inside of me, and blogging is my best friend when it comes to better understandings. You know what feeling... when you just want someone to listen to you instead of receiving too much accusations that makes you not want for more advices.
This blog has been with me for over a year based on my estimation. I'm not the kind of person who gives much of that importance to 'dates' or any first times. Significant events from the past? Sorry, I just don't believe in such things. Because each passing day, for me, is a significant day because no one is so powerful in this world could ever bring things back to the way they used to be before. As what I've said, I DON'T BELIEVE IN DATES AND MARK MY CALENDAR TO CELEBRATE. I am just unique in that way, because I believe in what's today, not what's in the past. I don't dwell in the past, I deal with what's in front of me. I don't look back because I learned to easily let go. That's what life taught me... Be on my own, lead my own way, take my own way. Which makes me so ruthless and selfish in others eyes. But who am I? Again... I believe in what's today, and I move on from what has ended. What's important for me is what's in my hands, not what WAS in my hands. Eventually, things will slip off our hands through time, and there'd come a day that we'll all need to let them go. So I'm not a believer of FOREVER. It's just an exaggeration or better yet, an irony. I don't believe in FOREVER because it doesn't exist, but I believe in NEVER because somehow, it exists.
So anyway, I was talking about KPOP.
I almost had a fight with my brother just because I am so addicted to this and that for once in my life, I had stepped into the kpop world.
Remember I blogged this:
"Plus, please. Pati ba naman KPOP idadamay pa? Yon na nga lang ang nagpapasaya sa'kin sa ngayon e. Ini-enjoy ko na lang. Parang at the end of the day, yung mga kanta nila yung nagpapalimot sa'kin sa mga nangyari. Honestly, yea. Maybe I'm too addicted to KPOP but it doesn't give me anything bad. It gives me good vibes... ALWAYS and forever, okay? Patahimikin niyo na lang ako.
I may have become really an avid kpop fan, but all the other kpop fans would feel the same if someone would say "KPOP-whatever-crap-world". To us, it's too unpleasant use of words. Since you stop knowing me as your little sister, then I better return the favor and stop being your sister. And I'm kind of suing you for saying such bad words against KPOP. KPOP isn't just KPOP as you hear or spell it. Kpop is something that motivates me in the morning. Kpop gave me insights on how beautiful life can be. Knowing every story behind every talent, every single thing about kpop is just inspiring. They did not just POOF! and became KPOP groups! They struggled a lot too before they achieve what they are now. Everyone in kpop world worked hard. And I bet you don't know anything about it. So just stop judging kpop in a way that you make me hate you. Kpop plays a huge part in my life now. So back off."
Well yeah. I live in a world they call KPOP, I live in a world which is highly impossible for me to get into the reality. I'm hopeless. I'm doomed.
SO Obsession becomes a famous word once again in my own little cozy world full of kpop addictions. Where did it start?
Firstly, I did not pay attention to this kitty little kpop thingy. I used to ignore them whenever I encounter a glimpse of them such as from friends, or in the cyber world like Youtube. It's not that I don't notice them, I IGNORE them.
But then this... awesome korean love comedy/drama and that's when I discovered Yonghwa. So I really liked him a lot, and then I fell in love with his band/group CN BLUE. It all started with them, so blame them for my obsession over kpop (hehehehe). I started listening to their songs, that usual thing a person would do when she loves a band. But then again... I was so Jonghyun biased that time. Hahahaha.
And so I tried listening to othe kpop groups in which I started with SHINee. I already knew about them because my friend told me about their Ringdingdong that when I checked the mv, I closed it in a hurry. So that's when I regret for doing so because in a snap... SNAP! I fell in love with them too. ♥ This time, I'm Taemin biased but I really liked Onew first. And that's when I figured it all out... I'm such a killer of LEE's. LOL.
Lee Jonghyun. Lee Jinki (onew), Lee Taemin.
Btw, I also liked Kang Minhyuk. ♥
And that's when this... little kpop world started. I created this cozy full of kpop addictions in my head that drove me crazy each and every day of my life. That made me use the computer for hours watching videos and listening to their songs.
But I tried listening to girl groups in which I found a little interest. SNSD is my favorite, but I also support 2ne1 because of Sandara Park.
But Super Junior captured my heart best.
You know... I really did not pay attention to them when my friend told me about them. I am such a loser. MAJOR.
So... you know... I get that feeling when I finally memorized their names and some of their backgrounds. ♥ I have to thank my sister for giving me the complete Sorry Sorry album. But left me manually download for the Bonamana album.
My bias is Kyuhyun. Of course, he's the BEST because of that big voice. :) Agree?
But of course... I actually liked Donghae. And I almost died only to find out he's a Lee. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
But of course, some things has to end... Especially when you can't understand how you feel anymore. Honestly, KPOP took my time. I'm not saying I wasted my time on them, but I actually lose my attention to precious time I could have spent with other more important things. Well, I was blinded that all I think about was them. Which I consider myself being selfish.
KPOP surely played a great part in my life, but I have to think things through. Look. NOW, I ended up being disappointed with my own distractions. It was about Eunhae. Ow. :'( I envy Eunhyuk, swear. I just kept on smiling when inside of me, I already committed suicide a million times. HAHAHAH! LOLJK, that's too much.
No, I was just... still hoping that's just for fan service and nothing more or they are just best buddies not more than that. They're just unsuspectingly sweet like real couples, lol. And that's what I really didn't like. No, I'm not anti-Eunhae because I make fun out of it too. It's just that... You get me? It doesn't feel comfortable liking Donghae who is kind of... Please, get me wrong!
What hurts me is that I even made this fan fiction of Donghae where every girl can imagine she's the protagonist. :') I swear... I can't say what I've written is the best, but it's not that bad anyway. When I just saw videos today about Eunhae. I really died. :|||
I wanted to erase that fanfic I made. But out of love for Super Junior... I remembered it's not just about my bias, it's about the group that I support. So I made up my mind to just... receive and accept request from those fangirls who want to have a little short fanfiction story to be written about their biases. :')
Though swear, I was kind of turned off with Donghae.
I even searched it Eunhae was real and if Donghae's a g**. Lol, I just turned into a psycho. But now, I'm back to my senses and trying to see the brighter side.
There are still lots of Kpop groups I can fall head over heels into and that Donghae's not the only man who can entangle my heart with. Yesung, Kyuhyun... There are just too many members of Super Junior that can still make me smile at the end of the day.
So what I was saying is that being a fan is also a risk. ♥ and that I gotta make up my mind and decide on more important things. That I have to see the beauty of the whole group than see my own biases. It's always gonna be about the group, it SHOULD be.
That sometimes, I have to step out of my own shell and this world I created in my mind. Sure, I can still fantasize over their hot dead bodies or dance moves, but there's still gonna be someone more real in this world we call OURS.
That someone will come into my life whom I can say he's better than Kyuhyun, Jonghyun, Taemin or even more perfect than Donghae. I know this time of my life, I can't say there's someone out their who can dance and sing like them for their fans. But I believe that there'd be someone, somewhere, someday who will sing and dance only for me. ♥
I know there's someone who can say he loves me today... but nothing's certain in the future. I only believe in what's today as I've mentioned earlier. But when there's this weird attitude and crave of girls that wants to feel loved each minute of her life. And that's what I cannot feel anymore. No, I'm not asking for more... I'm just finding for more. Yeah, I'm turning childish again. Crap.
But love find no reason at all, much has been said. ♥
For me, right now... there's only you and that I have to stop dreaming about these kpop people and fantasize about them. I may have created this world in my head, but there's you who's in the real world ahead.
That's why I also try to listen to English songs, and maybe find time and interest to listen to OPM songs and be a proud Pin☺y! :)
I'm not putting an end to being kpop-ish little baby. I'm just saying that I have to be open to other songs, to other types of music, to those who needs more attention than kpop who receives more of praises. =)
♥
♥ life sent to Kyu
3:30 PM
Hello, kitty little bloggy.
I missed you, missed me?
Anyway, hindi ko yata kakayaning mag-english sa buong blog na 'to. Emo ako e. Suicidal na po ako. LOLJK. Minsan, may mga maiisip kang bagay na napakaimposible. Simple lang, dahil minsan, ayaw mo na sa mundong kinatatayuan mo.
Ako si M.S. Yan ang pen name ko, pero kung kilala niyo ako sa pangalan, eh di ako na 'yon. Bilang isang blogger, kailangan ko itago ang pangalan ko at buong katauhan ko. Bilang isang writer ng sarili kong kalokohang mga nobela, kailangan ko maging si super M.S. sa isang dahilan... Na minsan, gusto kong makilala ako sa mga bagay na nagagawa kong maganda, hindi sa mga bagay na minsan ko nang masasabing, 'Fail' ako.
Walang isang beses sa buhay kong naisip kong naging perpekto ako.
Pero buong buhay ko, labinlimang taon pa-labing-anim na taon, nakatatak na sa buong kaisipan kong imperpekto ako. Nabuhay akong ganito at ang hirap magbago. Kung ano na ako ngayon, gano'n na rin ako pagkagising ko bukas at sa pagtulog ko. Iisa lang ako, iisa ang isip, iisa ang puso, paano mo magagawang magbago kung ang buong katauhan mo, hindi mo makilatis kung ano ka talaga?
Hindi naman sa alien ako. Hahahaha.
Minsan, natanong ko na rin ang sarili ko... Ang panahon nagbabago, "climate is changing", how about me? Kailan ba ako magbabago? Teka, bakit ba gusto kong magbago?
Hindi naman ako trying hard maging perfect or somewhat perfect... But I just want to try to be one. Aspiring. Pero hindi feeling.
Ganito kasi yan, simple. Madali sabihin. Pero ang hirap itago. Alam ko, alam ng tropang nag-iisa sa buhay ko, ang SHE Republic, kung ano ako pag hyper ako, pag masaya ako, pag medjo naha-high ako, pag malungkot ako, pag may problema ako, pag feeling ko wala nang bukas katatawa, pag kinikilig ako, pag wala ako sa sarili ko, pag gusto ko nang umiyak, pag gusto ko, ito na ang huling araw ko.
Dahil dyan. Gusto ko silang pasalamatan.
Ang dami kong utang sa tropang yan, pero parang more than World Bank pa ang SHE Republic e, hindi lang sa pera makakautang ka, pati buhay mo, pwede mong utangin at kahit di ka na rin magbayad. Pero limited edition yan sa mga miyembro nito. Wagas kasi kami magmahal. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na.. 'Ang astig, sa mundong may ilang bilyong taong nabubuhay at sa bawat segundong may namamatay at may bagong panganak, sa pitong kontinente, sa ilang bansang natitirahan, sa bawat pamilyang buo at hiwalay, sa Pilipinas pa kami nagkatagpo-tagpo sa iisang paaralang RC kung tawagin... at pagdating ng Junior year namin, tumampok kami ng labindalawang miyembro (going 13, trainee na yung isa lol. haha). Astig no? This is destiny." Nung second year kasi, labing-isa lang kami. Sa biyaya ng Diyos, dinagdagan Niya kami ng isa pa. At isa pa. And moooore to go! Hahahaha. Happiness!
Ako si M.S. a miyembro ako ng SHE Republic... Ang dami kong pangarap sa tropa na 'to. Hindi mo masasabing 'nerds' kami porke't nasa Star Section kami. Nooooo! Hindi niyo rin masasabing pala-aral kami, hahaha. Ewan ko na lang sa inyo kung matatawag niyo kaming kontrabida sa buhay niyo, siguro totoo lang talagang sa bawat sampung tao, may isang tiwalag. E sa higit isang libong taong nakakasalamuha namin sa eskwelahan, imposible na rin sigurong may hindi kami gusto at may ayaw sa'min. Pero nandito (turo sa puso) yung tiwala ko sa tropang 'to. Hindi ko tropa yung humuhusga sa'min. Kailangan ko pa ba sila isipin kesa sa tropang nandyan lang palagi para sa'kin? Noooo!
Ang tropang 'to ang bumubuo sa buong katauhan ko ngayon... Simple, madalas ko silang kasama. Nakakahiwalay ko lang yata sila sa pagtulog ko, kasama pa sa mga dasal ko. SHE Republic, tulad ng nasabi ko... Madami akong pangarap sa tropang 'to. Magiging girl group kami pero hindi kami sasayaw ng Hoot-like ng SNSD o ng I don't care ng 2Ne1, hindi kami magdadamit tulad ng KARA. Girl group kami, pero ang kilos at galaw namin... Pang-modern dance talaga... Hindi kailangang too girly. Labindalawa kami (if ever maging 13, ayos na rin at happier!) at parang Super Junior na (e sampu na nga lang sila ngayon, so... magiging kami na yung biggest group if ever? Tama ba? hahaha. World Record kagad, hanep!) Gusto ko kasi kami makilala... kung gaano katatag ang pagkakaibigan namin at kung anong klaseng mga tao kami. Na hindi lang kami basta estudyanteng pasemplang-semplang sa pag-aaral o nangunguna sa mga kakulitan sa classroom. Na hindi kami yung 'kontrabida' sa classroom kung yon ang iniisip ng iba... Na sana, tumaas yung tingin ng iba sa tropang 'to.
Hindi niyo lang alam ang saya kapag kami ang magkakasama.
Eto nga yung ginawa kong motto ng SHE Repub:
SHE Republic. Labindalawang magkakaibang ugali at propesyon sa buhay. Oo, labindalawa kami. Laging hagalpakan sa na katatawa sa kakulitan. Pero labindalawa kaming may iba't ibang puso... na kung sino man kami sa mata niyo, iba kami sa isa't isa. Na kung akala niyo puro saya na lang... sa labindalawang buhay na nagkatagpo-tagpo, hindi mo mabibilang kung ilang beses na kaming naging tanga, at nagsabihan na... "STRONG." Na minsan, hindi ko na maisip kung para saan ang salitang yan pero binigyan nila ng buo at wagas na kahulugan.... Strong lang. :')
Hindi naman talaga SHE Repub ang pakay ko sa blog post na 'to. Sila lang ang pinagmulan ng... Strong sa vocabulary ko. :') na kahit sinong tao pa man ang magsabi sa'kin na maging STRONG ako, kung hindi rin lang sila 'yon, walang katuturan ang salitang yan. Sila lang ang astig e.
O sa mga panahon ngayon, sila lang yung mismong nakaiintindi sa mismong sitwasyong kinatatayuan ko ngayon. O kung hindi man... wala nang iba pang MAS makakaintindi sa'kin kundi sila.
Siguro habang tumatanda ako, unti-unti kong napapabago ang katayuan nila sa buhay ko. Nagiging MAS importante na sila, nagiging parang pamilya ko na sila kung sakaling magkulang sa'kin ang mismong pamilya ko.
Buong buhay ko, hindi pa ako humiling ng ibang pamilya, never did I ask God... kung ito ba ang matatawag blessing ng pamilya ang naibigay Niya sa'kin. Pero these days... I might have asked him a million times a day. I already did and counting.
Oo, family drama 'to.
It's not as simple as cat fights na... ayan, papagalitan ka, magtatampo ka, kinabukasan, okay na. It's like we just had declared World War III. Friggin' awesome.
Turned out to be, I wanted to commit a suicide right away and disappear like a bubble. But that was just from my wildest imagination.
Because the reality is... I still wake up every single day that had passed, and still feel the same pain I felt when everyone at home seemed to hate me. Svckish enough that I really feel NEGLECTED right now.
Later, it would be a week-long. Meaning, it will be a week since I had not eaten my meals. But it helped me save money and lose weight, *clap clap clap*. I'd always be lying to my friends that I'll eat at home, well I did... maybe twice. So it wasn't lying at all. I just don't want them to think of me that much, sorry SHE Repub. I just don't want to be part of our problems anymore. :'(
So the drama began... I really felt bad, is that hard to understand? It was me against five people (I hope I'll meet in heaven...) so I have NO FIGHT, obviously. And they're my family... what's the point of fighting? I had to express myself that time through my Facebook status. Oh, it crashed my facebook wall. That's where the war had begun.
My status: If you can't appreciate my presence, would you appreciate my absence? I'd be happier to disappear if it satisfies you.
Reason: My mom said she COULD kill me, which at once, I wish she already did so I'd be gone. But of course, that didn't happen at all.
So the drama began.
then yes, I almost forgot I had another brother. So he started tagging me in his posts... Like I really wanted to die.
BANG! I just died. O.O
I'M DONE, OKAY?
Ayoko nang ipusta ang buong buhay ko para lang manahimik kasi ako yung pinakabata. Much has been said. Bawal ang emo.
Basta ang alam ko. Nadyan ang SHE Repub para sa'kin. Enough na yung mga araw na nakakasama ko sila para makalimutan ang mga nangyari. Na minsan, mas naappreciate ko na rin sila kesa sa mga taong hindi ako maappreciate for who I am. Na kung ano ako, tanggap nila 'yon at kung magkamali man ako, tinatama nila ako sa magandang paraan. Hindi tahasan.
Plus, please. Pati ba naman KPOP idadamay pa? Yon na nga lang ang nagpapasaya sa'kin sa ngayon e. Ini-enjoy ko na lang. Parang at the end of the day, yung mga kanta nila yung nagpapalimot sa'kin sa mga nangyari. Honestly, yea. Maybe I'm too addicted to KPOP but it doesn't give me anything bad. It gives me good vibes... ALWAYS and forever, okay? Patahimikin niyo na lang ako.
I may have become really an avid kpop fan, but all the other kpop fans would feel the same if someone would say "KPOP-whatever-crap-world". To us, it's too unpleasant use of words. Since you stop knowing me as your little sister, then I better return the favor and stop being your sister. And I'm kind of suing you for saying such bad words against KPOP. KPOP isn't just KPOP as you hear or spell it. Kpop is something that motivates me in the morning. Kpop gave me insights on how beautiful life can be. Knowing every story behind every talent, every single thing about kpop is just inspiring. They did not just POOF! and became KPOP groups! They struggled a lot too before they achieve what they are now. Everyone in kpop world worked hard. And I bet you don't know anything about it. So just stop judging kpop in a way that you make me hate you. Kpop plays a huge part in my life now. So back off.
You don't know my dreams. So please don't even break them all.
If you can't even understand my world, then please don't ruin it. Don't be too evil. PLEASE and thank you.
As I've said, I'm done. I don't want to act or pretend to be okay. I REALLY WANT TO BE OKAY. FOR REAL, I WANT TO BE FINE. Feel the good vibes.
I still have reasons to go on... My studies, "him", "Him", She Republic, KPOP and my dreams. So thank you for cracking up a part out of them all.
I also wanted to die again last night my "bro" said... "Di na yan pinapansin dito" so I wasn't even invited to eat dinner. Okay, that's all, and thanks a lot. Now I see I am really nothing on you now.
"을 보내주셔서 감사합니다 상처를 받고 싫어하시오. 내 곁을 떠날 수 있으며 만이 아니라, 나를 증오를 살해하겠습니다. 나는 너무 멀리지만 항상 나를 쫓아내 수 있습니다. 미안하지만 *지 못하면 당신이 나를 보고 싶습니다. 당신은 나를 보고 싶습니다. 나는 그렇게 할 것입니다. 당신을 사랑하는 작별 인사를 했습니다."
안녕히계세요
I wanted to be M.S. so people wouldn't know who I am. And hide behind this name forever.
Press the reset.
♥ life sent to Kyu
5:10 PM
Monday, November 29, 2010
