I ♥

I'm back after the three days camp and a day of rest...

I saw it coming... I tried to hide it but it was right in front of me, it was exactly as how I predicted... that I'll end up this way, I'll end up feeling this way and getting confused and hurt and unexplainable... the feeling I get when he suddenly came along, tried to make me happy, and I ended up this way... I'm not fine... Honestly.

The way he looked after me, the way he acted as an overprotective brother, the way he puts his arm over my shoulder just to keep me safe, the way he always asks if I've eaten, if I feel okay, and whenever he reminds me to sleep and looks straight into my eyes to see if I'm not lying that I already slept... the way he'd grab my wrist and ask me randomly those same questions... the way he nags when I overwork myself... It's just plainly sweet and everything I was looking for when SOMEONE left me all broken, it's like he suddenly came along and made me feel this way.

When all of these seriously mean nothing to him.

I JUST REGRET A LOT.

HONESTLY, I felt butterflies in my stomach the moment he held my hand... First time in my life... I'm just not that happy it has to be him. Because seriously, how many times should I say it can't be him? For Pete's sake... I'll die before it can be him!!!

And last night, and the reason maybe why I can't sleep today, and look at the time, it's nearly 8 in the morning...

Because... well... I think... AAAAAH. It'll stay in my mind. I can't just type it down here. :( But I honestly kept thinking about it last night, it may sound embarrassing but it's my first time to pray about things like these last night. :(

Whenever I remember everything that happened during the camp... When I saw you struggling and everything, I cried silently because as much as I wanted to help you as the others are having a hard time helping you... I can't. I felt so weak that time. I felt weak... But I stood up because I know you can get through it... There's nothing I can do but help others that were struggling that night and just leave you out of my sight because it could've killed me that I can't do anything to help you. It's like one of the signs that it really can't be you as I can't be there for you.

But I appreciate you. For who you are. I thank you. For what you are. I look up to you... for being you. ♥

And as for that, I give this song to you. With U - After School....

(English Translation)

" Oh, a little bit closer

Try extending your hands, you can reach it

Oh, the secrets I'd tell you

Are as many as the stars in the sky...

At the sound of your footfalls,

I listen attentively

Every day, every single night

I'm waiting here for you...

Even if time passes and you forget everything

Even if you can't see the world no longer

These words filling me

I'll become your strength

With you, right here

We can start again.

Don't you see it

You're like a lost child, open that door

Such a small step

A little bit more, yes a little bit more

I put my hands together and I pray

Every day, every single night

Raise your head and look at my eyes

Nothing much to say.

I just want to tell you how hard I am trying to fight my feelings for you because it's not right, just not so right... just not really right to feel this way for you.

Help me get over this. I don't want to be wrong again in a way that can hurt myself even more than the way that I can let you feel me.

This is just not right...

I know you take care of me because you always see me as your little sister that would always need a helping hand and protection from her brother. I know you take care of me because it's your responsibility, it's a duty as I look up to you like my brother. Though we're not blood-related, though we're not even friends before, though we didn't know our existence until you stepped up for us... the feeling of getting to know you more each day is a bitter-sweet delight I always look forward to.

But isn't it ironic that I feel this way? Because I said before, I was desperate to look for someone to mend my broken heart, now that it's getting better, I regret part of it that it has to be you. So I'm trying to find reasons that it can't be you. I don't want it to be you. My heart won't let it to be you.

You are a brother to me. Nothing more than that.

I am a little sister to you... Nothing more but it can even be lesser than that.

You'll always be that way, I'll just stay this way as well. Let's be ourselves... I'll keep it all. By myself. For the better. For the best.

I'll always love you as part of this 'family'. We share one love, we share IN one love with others around us.

Always be safe~ be well. Be good. Be the best. ♥

A Personal Blog.

Note: this won't be a 'letter to Kyu', for this one will be something about me... and my craziness. Ahiiii. I mean... Okay, just type them down~ I even had to change my blog url so that no one can read this...

I actually thought for so long and so many times if I should blog this because you know... I'm a bloggie kiddo.

Of course, I hesitated for a hundred times as well. But now I'm here, jotting down whatever I wanted to say, how I feel, and how I wanted to feel.

And how I should feel.

~~ I'm smitten.

It's too personal to say his name, to even mention things that can perfectly describe him. He's a secret. And besides, he's a man and by that, I mean it.

No, I'm not in love. I said, I'm just smitten.

A love-struck, I'm crushing, I'm infatuated, I'm attracted.

All in one for the person that can be on the bottom of my list for those special guys to me. (Well you all know Kyuhyun's on top of that XD)

I see him as a brother, I look up to him. And he surely see me as his little sister. (Or let's say he can't even see at all XD)

Because we're two different persons. He's very manly, humble and all simple. He knows hard work, there's not a pinch of superiority in his personality, he knows simplicity so well, he can live on his own. He is a man. He can probably face every heartbreak strongly, but right now... He doesn't think of anything but his family. (No he's not a married man, and when I say family, I'm referring to parents, etc.)

He has a willful heart.

When he wants something, he's persistent. But when things can't be done the way he thought they would, then he's focused on the brighter side. He's always on for the 'easier' way... or probably the 'easiest' as well.

He's the only person I know in my life that can be as great as this.

He cries because of successes of his hard works. He cries when his heart was moved. He cries for the love for his family and loved ones. He cries because he has a heart that's willing to give it all, to give his all because he's too dedicated to his duties.

He's always stepping up for the one and ends up lifting the whole group on his back.

The strength he can claim on his own was always the way for the group to grow stronger with him.

He knows his ways.

He knows ways.

He just knows.

As I've said, for me, for all, he must probably be a great guy. A strong built person for the love of others... for the love for others.

But behind this personality I see through... He can crack up humorous jokes, he can suddenly show his funny side, the other face of his mask that's hiding all the hardships he's undergoing in his life. The way he makes us all laugh, the way he cracks up jokes when we're at the most serious and solemn moment. The way he wanted to lighten up the mood when we're all buried in our difficulties. The way he exaggerates the use of his talents and skills just to let smiles flash in our faces. The way he can do them all the way he does.

No, he's not Kyuhyun of Super Junior that I've always been dreaming about, that I want to probably live my life with without even knowing his personalities as a man because I only see his personalities as who he is as a singer, as part of the group, as computer games addict.

No, he's not Kevin of U-Kiss that can always make me smile with just a single glimpse of him in pictures and see his beautiful selcas and how perfectly his performance suites in promotions fit him. He's different from Kevin who can actually makes me drool and day-dream about and can actually be considered skinnier than I am. I must've swore to God to marry a person like Kevin, but not to him.

And he's all different from Xander with priceless reactions and precious smiles on his face. He doesn't nag as Xander does, he never nags. I probably won't miss him the way I extremely miss Xander. He's not a Twitter-addict and probably rarely go online even on Facebook. He doesn't have the famous girly make-ups the way Xander would put make up on his own.

My idols are way different from him.

But I'll always look up to him.

We'll probably stop seeing each other soon, but we'll be together in this hard work and difficulties coming our way, right? I'll always cherish the times we've spent together. Because I found another brother in you. Might as well be a sister to you, right?

Be well~~ Always. ^_^)o Fighting!

I pray that you continue being as great as you are. Be greater. Be better. Be the best.

For nothing can beat you other than yourself.

~~I'll always be your 'dongsaeng'... ♥

17th. Since it's my favorite number... This 17th letter has to be something special. For Me. ♥ Still... Letter-style.

Dear Kyu,

I spammed my Tumblr with your epically cute pictures, hihi. You're gaining weight, just so you know... or is your body just growing up into a very 'manly' one??? I'm not sure if it's just me, but you're getting fat. XD But at least! I don't want you to be skinnyyy. Chubby is better. But you're still good. As now. ♥ Stay healthy... or be healthier ^__^)v

So... I'm suddenly online at 3:00 in the afternoon... Well right now~ I just finished watching A Walk To Remember (HBO is the best... sometimes~) when I actually watched it several times before. I always loved this movie... I think it's always WAAAY better than If Only (but I love If Only too!) it's just that it's more 'teenage' than If Only... just remove the creepy Taxi Driver from If Only... or just reveal that he's 'Kamatayan'. kkk~

and if you're wondering why I'm already up since I usually wake up five or six in the evening... Well because I slept past 6AM then I woke up before 10 in the morning and I rolled on my bed, Tweet this and that because I can't go back to sleep. Damn insomnia is starting to kick on me. So I don't wanna waste time lying on my bed doing nothing and I just... poof, I got up. I was supposed to continue watching Secret Garden (I know you watched it too ^ v ^) but then there's A Walk To Remember... ♥

And it's still a wonder...

WHY DO I CRY FOR THE SAME MOVIE EVERY TIME I WATCH IT EVEN AFTER WATCHING IT FOR SEVERAL TIMES? I think it's stupid... But I think it's better than crying for the same person... That's weakly stupider.

Agree or not... But A Walk To Remember sure has a lot of words to live by... It has too many quotable lines! Like... Love is like the wind, you can't see it, but you can feel it. Now let's focus on that one... (I sound like a critic or something...)

You know what I've gone through all this time... Well I can't stop going back to those stupid memories I had with him when in fact, I'm not even with him! You get me right? (Spare me some space of bitterness, I'm telling you, it's inevitable in my situation right now~).

(Now playing... Let's Not - Super Junior... Now tell me if I should cry first or continue typing... Aish, it's boosting up the sad mood in meee. Lalalala cheer up, Shey, cheer up.)

Okay.

So here it goes...

Empty. Bitterness. Depressed.

The day he ended it 'well' was the worst feeling he ever had to give me. We weren't together, not to add the fact we never will (I'm sorry, I told you there's bitterness in me) because I'll never let it be ever again. But it felt like... He ended something between us--or when I thought there was really something--when there's nothing to end... Because if we have to think of it logically, he didn't have ANYTHING, I always had EVERYTHING so I have to be the one ENDING it. But come on, it's reality. It sucks.

I can remember the date. March 7th, 2011. Everything's still as clear as if it all happened just yesterday... Like every second of it... every bits of pain he gave me was still fresh... and who knew it's almost two months after 'rejecting' my feelings for him and I'm still standing on the same spot when I can say he already reached the other end... I really had to talk to Maris and Dianne about this... because you all know I'm all-crazy-die-hard-slash-hard-core KPop fan, but no matter how THIS kind of person I am now... A part of me... is still with him.

I may tweet a hundred for a day. Browse through them all, 90 tweets are all kpop stuffs, thoughts and facts... 8 will be my daily complaints... and 1 will be about HIM or whenever I memories gather in my thoughts... and the last one will be something to cheer myself up (so my followers won't bother paying attention to THAT tweet).

Sometimes... things are bound to stay in your mind, but you had to let the pain come out from your heart. Unless you want to die in the same pain that he will forever give you... Sometimes... you need to accept things won't ever be the same as they were... New things... Gone are the olden days. (Okay, I'm being a Xanderrete again.)

When I could even sing End Of The Road over and over again.

When I could even hope Only One was written for me... because he'll let me feel that way.

When I could even sing at the top of my lungs... WITHOUT YOU 너무 보고 시픈데! WITHOUT YOU, 닐 용서 해줄래! WITHOUT YOU 너민 사랑하는데!... can't live without you...

When I could even choreograph I Want You Back on my own (well because I can't get the exact choreography hahaha) by just thinking deep within the lyrics.

When I could even hope to sing You Are My Destiny...

When I could even imagine singing Complete to you...

When I couldn't even sing a single line from the song that tells me... Without U of 2PM fits me the most.

Instead...

Well indeed, it's the END OF OUR ROAD... He WAS the ONLY ONE I thought he can be... WITHOUT HIM, I thought I WANT HIM BACK... I thought HE WAS MY DESTINY... I thought he can COMPLETE ME...

But there's one more song that I almost forgot existed...

I'M SORRY... of B2ST. (see lyrics and translation here)

But I have to let go... sooner or later... or now.

Let's get this straight...

After watching A Walk To Remember *again, ehem*... And listening to those words from Landon and Jamie... I finally found myself.

AGAIN.

And right now... I've decided to really let go.

I'm getting over you, and stop bothering me okay? Help me instead... just help me forget you even just before the school starts again.

Thank you. For everything. Including the pain you had continually caused me. You taught me a lot. Like Jamie did to Landon. KKK~~ No, I'm not wishing for him to die HAHAHAHA.

I'm letting go. Finding my own air to breathe in.

LOVE IS LIKE THE WIND... YOU CANNOT SEE IT, BUT YOU CAN FEEL IT.

and let me add something...

LOVE IS LIKE THE WIND... IT WILL JUST PASS BY AND IT WON'T STAY.

♥,

신성혜

S.S.H.

Dear Kyu,

How have you been? I've read so many 'funny' things about you and your schedules in Taiwan haha. Well I see you had a lot of fun but you flew to Thailand even when you're sick. Seriously, you need to take care of yourself...even more if possible. Because there are those who just wants to see you but doesn't even care if you're physically sick, they said... because it's your work and I don't see any concern at all from them. They're just plainly fans and not... REAL fans. If they are, they should care about your health, right? I just don't understand those people.

You missed me. HAHA Just kidding. I missed posting here~

Still it's patterned at Letters though I'd be talking about random thoughts... Forgive me.

Lately, I've been addicted to U-Kiss. hihihi

Well I think my Twitter can explain that, if you're following me, I'm always spamming about U-Kiss. A month has passed and then I became a hardcore Kiss Me. Before, I was just... a normal normal normal Kiss Me. I listen to U-Kiss, watch random performances but I can hardly call them by their names since I only know Kiseop and Kevin before. And Xander because he has different features, yah know. He can be easily determined from the other members.

Sometimes, I even skip watching U-Kiss' performances like in Gayo Daejun perfs, I SKIPPED theirs, I just watched Super Junior's, SNSD, and so on.

I'm not a die-hard or a hardcore Kiss Me before.

Not until...

WELL, rumors and confirmations.

That Xander and Kibum are to withdraw in U-Kiss.

It was like... the Shock of the Era of my life.

Dugeun dugeun.

I died on the spot.

Without any further reasons... Maybe... Just... I can't imagine them leaving U-Kiss as much as like... two of Super Junior members leaving, right? It kills. And the reasons... were unacceptable for me. For Kibum, it said... for focusing on their business. And for Xander, pursuing his studies. Like WTF. Anyone can do both career and studies and business!

Not until I found out everything was NHM's mess. That's what they revealed to be the reason... but the real was... LACK OF TALENT. And more fvcking news. WTF is LACK OF TALENT? First, they accepted them in their company because of talent. and wtf are they saying Lack of Talent. Second, Kibum was even in Xing before, and wtf again are they saying Lack of Talent??? Lack of talent after staying with U-Kiss for nearly three years after debut?! Seriously, NH Media, you suck for letting Kibum and Xander withdraw from the group... and it wasn't their decision to leave, it was yours. Failure.

I always thought... Fine. That's just the way how it goes and move on. Xander and Kibum left the group. End of story.

But there's the other side of U-Kiss that needs to go on and doesn't put an end to the story. There will be new members in addition... or in replacement of the two EX-members... or ORIGINAL members (since Kiseop was an additional member...).

It was soon revealed--the two new members.

But I didn't care enough to read articles since I still think it was stupid, like... what's U-Kiss without the two EX-members. I always wanted LOYALTY. But then there are those new members. And I wasn't eager to know them.

(Wait, I got to know U-Kiss even more when I received their Only One album as a gift from my Dianny, I forgot to mention.)

My focus was on CN Blue that time since they'll be coming back soon.

But then again... U-Kiss got its own way to me.

I swear I didn't watch their teasers. But when the album was released, I downloaded it right away. And there's this something called love struck, lol~ I fell in love with Bran New Kiss album right away. It was so different (from their past albums).

(I also got to know about Bran New Kiss because I was following Kevin on Twitter and he keeps on tweeting about it.)

MV was released, no changes. Kiseop and Kevin still are the persons I can identify. LOL~ I can hardly identify the new members except that I see no Xander.

They started their comeback stages and I waited patiently for them. I downloaded their performances, I only used Keepvid since I wasn't a member YET of their forums.

I want to get to know them more. and the only way is... to watch their shows.

That's when i started searching all over Google and Youtube. U-Kiss Vampires.

It was a very short show, but they were hella funny! I don't know but words aren't enough to describe them HAHAHA. They have very different personalities! And Kevin was so adorable. ^^

Okay, enough. In U-Kiss Vampire, I got to know them. And I got to name them. LOL~ And that's when I started realizing... How can Xander and Kibum be not around anymore?~ T__T

I watched Chef's Kiss next.

And that's when everything subsided inside me. And I slowly realized... I love U-Kiss. ♥

In the show... I laughed the hardest, I almost woke up my siblings in the middle of their sleep because I literally laughed out loud while watching Chef's Kiss. Every episode was just... hella funny to hell and it's hard to hold in the laugh! :))

I started sleeping when the sun's already rising~ U-Kiss addiction taught me to be patient enough, because downloading stuffs about them takes a lifetime, so yeah... Indeed I learned to be patient. (Just like now since I'm downloading their MTV appearance... and it's really ssssslllllooooooowwwww).

U-Kiss exploded my external hard drive. For some reasons, it beat Super Junior. I've got more U-Kiss files than Super Junior (since it's hard to find Super Junior videos because mostly are old... and so freaking hard to find...) but I'm still on my way to download Super Junior videos. It's just that I found more resources of U-Kiss. (there's just no way it can beat SNSD since my snsd files are from my sister and she's a hardcore S♥NE, she's got more than 30gb of files...).

So just to make the story short...

I think my U-Kiss knowledge suddenly widen.

But the highlight of it was Chef's Kiss because I laughed and CRIED a lot because of this show~ I really cried... It's hard to imagine but yes, I did. Especially to see Xander and Kibum crying on the last episode. I know Kevin has a soft heart and a cry baby too, when he cried in Vampires as each of the members were telling their own stories of hardships, it was Kevin who cried even if he didn't share anything. That's the first time I cried for U-Kiss (or WITH U-Kiss) which is barely on the first parts of the show actually... I think U-Kiss is composed of strongly built members...

Soohyun's dad died when he was just on the 2nd grade and they had a hard time financially... and that's when he pursued singing and there's no other dream for him than to be a singer. And remember, he's the main vocals of U-Kiss. Such a dream come true~~

Kiseop tried for so many companies but everyone kept on rejecting him... He almost committed suicide... but it was his mother who was in pain seeing Kiseop having a hard time... He almost committed suicide, this fact shocked me the most. And I cried right away when I heard it from Kiseop. ㅠ_ㅠ

Dongho's was very understandable (he was the first to share...) because his pains were of a maknae~ We all know maknaes have very heavy responsibility in the group. He gets more schedules than the other members because he was to promote for the group. As for Dongho, he always thought he wasn't doing enough for U-Kiss to gain popularity. Whenever he's not in the mood, it was because he was very tired of having tight schedules. And he was very happy when *a certain name of artist here, I forgot the name* recognized him from U-Kiss and that's when he thought... U-Kiss is indeed gaining popularity. So we always have to love the maknae~ not only Dongho but all the other group's maknaes because they're always in charge of making the group popular.

Eli... Eli was away from his parents for a long time, based on my estimation. He stayed in China before, he was broke. He had to eat ramen noodles for a month or two? Because he had no money... ㅠㅠ Such dramas I only see on TV! You know, it's like... Eli is one of the most built up guy in this group and who would've thought he suffered from hunger before? :( Plus! His message to his father on Chef's Kiss was very touching... really touching... I cried on the thought of it. It was... ugh, beyond expectations! Eli has a soft heart too... I swear he loves his daddy.

(and as of now, I just got the news that Dongho was sick and rushed to the hospital, he also mentioned emergency room on his Twitter~ ohmygosh... He's asking for prayers actually... I think he got fatigued because of travelling and tight schedules of U-Kiss. They just got back from LA... aww, I hope he gets well soon and for the other members to regain their strength as well, I think they're all tired... and exhausted. ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ)

Kevin... well, he's Kevin.~ ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

I don't see any problems on him, but I was most touched when he said (or joked) that even if he acts so girly, looks like a girl and has a body of a girl (because he's freaking thin, yah know), he doesn't want people to misunderstand him by those aspects because he still has a heart of a man. :) I don't know the exact words but the thought is the same. His has the nicest personality for me, that's why he's my ultimate bias, haha. He's so innocent and kind and friendly, (remember when he approached Martina and Simon --from eatyourkimchi plus he treasures gifts from fans like no other, ^^) and everything I like in a man. He's Kevin.

Xander... well what can I say.

He's the man I miss the most. He's my bias next to Kevin in U-Kiss! I know he's not the most gorgeous man in U-Kiss because I consider Kiseop for that, hahaha. But his personality is something to be admired! He's different. In his own pretty ways. He's just that guy... a great guy with explicit laughs and priceless reactions! He's perfect, I consider him to be perfect. And I miss him so much...

Together with Kibum. ㅠㅠ

You know him. Kibum is a great guy too for so many different reasons from Xander. I mean... Kibum is very manly, and he's the funniest guy I've know in U-Kiss~! And his balsamic saaaaaws. Remember? And his temper is the worst as well. I mean... when he's mad, he's MAD and no one dares to talk to him, yup! He's that scary. :) But when he cried at the last episode of Chef's Kiss... it was... worth crying with him. You know it, he has a heart too. ^v^

Srsly, and honestly... there are so many facts I want to share about U-Kiss... but maybe I can just keep them all by heart, and treasure them the most. :)

Because I love U-Kiss so much... I don't want to forget this memories and I just had to blog it. I'll love U-Kiss forever with SJ and SNSD. ^__^ U-Kiss forever~~~

Kiss Me forever~~~ \(^__^)/

If I've got more time, I could have written down more~ Maybe I'll update you next time.