I ♥

17th. Since it's my favorite number... This 17th letter has to be something special. For Me. ♥ Still... Letter-style.

Dear Kyu,

I spammed my Tumblr with your epically cute pictures, hihi. You're gaining weight, just so you know... or is your body just growing up into a very 'manly' one??? I'm not sure if it's just me, but you're getting fat. XD But at least! I don't want you to be skinnyyy. Chubby is better. But you're still good. As now. ♥ Stay healthy... or be healthier ^__^)v

So... I'm suddenly online at 3:00 in the afternoon... Well right now~ I just finished watching A Walk To Remember (HBO is the best... sometimes~) when I actually watched it several times before. I always loved this movie... I think it's always WAAAY better than If Only (but I love If Only too!) it's just that it's more 'teenage' than If Only... just remove the creepy Taxi Driver from If Only... or just reveal that he's 'Kamatayan'. kkk~

and if you're wondering why I'm already up since I usually wake up five or six in the evening... Well because I slept past 6AM then I woke up before 10 in the morning and I rolled on my bed, Tweet this and that because I can't go back to sleep. Damn insomnia is starting to kick on me. So I don't wanna waste time lying on my bed doing nothing and I just... poof, I got up. I was supposed to continue watching Secret Garden (I know you watched it too ^ v ^) but then there's A Walk To Remember... ♥

And it's still a wonder...

WHY DO I CRY FOR THE SAME MOVIE EVERY TIME I WATCH IT EVEN AFTER WATCHING IT FOR SEVERAL TIMES? I think it's stupid... But I think it's better than crying for the same person... That's weakly stupider.

Agree or not... But A Walk To Remember sure has a lot of words to live by... It has too many quotable lines! Like... Love is like the wind, you can't see it, but you can feel it. Now let's focus on that one... (I sound like a critic or something...)

You know what I've gone through all this time... Well I can't stop going back to those stupid memories I had with him when in fact, I'm not even with him! You get me right? (Spare me some space of bitterness, I'm telling you, it's inevitable in my situation right now~).

(Now playing... Let's Not - Super Junior... Now tell me if I should cry first or continue typing... Aish, it's boosting up the sad mood in meee. Lalalala cheer up, Shey, cheer up.)

Okay.

So here it goes...

Empty. Bitterness. Depressed.

The day he ended it 'well' was the worst feeling he ever had to give me. We weren't together, not to add the fact we never will (I'm sorry, I told you there's bitterness in me) because I'll never let it be ever again. But it felt like... He ended something between us--or when I thought there was really something--when there's nothing to end... Because if we have to think of it logically, he didn't have ANYTHING, I always had EVERYTHING so I have to be the one ENDING it. But come on, it's reality. It sucks.

I can remember the date. March 7th, 2011. Everything's still as clear as if it all happened just yesterday... Like every second of it... every bits of pain he gave me was still fresh... and who knew it's almost two months after 'rejecting' my feelings for him and I'm still standing on the same spot when I can say he already reached the other end... I really had to talk to Maris and Dianne about this... because you all know I'm all-crazy-die-hard-slash-hard-core KPop fan, but no matter how THIS kind of person I am now... A part of me... is still with him.

I may tweet a hundred for a day. Browse through them all, 90 tweets are all kpop stuffs, thoughts and facts... 8 will be my daily complaints... and 1 will be about HIM or whenever I memories gather in my thoughts... and the last one will be something to cheer myself up (so my followers won't bother paying attention to THAT tweet).

Sometimes... things are bound to stay in your mind, but you had to let the pain come out from your heart. Unless you want to die in the same pain that he will forever give you... Sometimes... you need to accept things won't ever be the same as they were... New things... Gone are the olden days. (Okay, I'm being a Xanderrete again.)

When I could even sing End Of The Road over and over again.

When I could even hope Only One was written for me... because he'll let me feel that way.

When I could even sing at the top of my lungs... WITHOUT YOU 너무 보고 시픈데! WITHOUT YOU, 닐 용서 해줄래! WITHOUT YOU 너민 사랑하는데!... can't live without you...

When I could even choreograph I Want You Back on my own (well because I can't get the exact choreography hahaha) by just thinking deep within the lyrics.

When I could even hope to sing You Are My Destiny...

When I could even imagine singing Complete to you...

When I couldn't even sing a single line from the song that tells me... Without U of 2PM fits me the most.

Instead...

Well indeed, it's the END OF OUR ROAD... He WAS the ONLY ONE I thought he can be... WITHOUT HIM, I thought I WANT HIM BACK... I thought HE WAS MY DESTINY... I thought he can COMPLETE ME...

But there's one more song that I almost forgot existed...

I'M SORRY... of B2ST. (see lyrics and translation here)

But I have to let go... sooner or later... or now.

Let's get this straight...

After watching A Walk To Remember *again, ehem*... And listening to those words from Landon and Jamie... I finally found myself.

AGAIN.

And right now... I've decided to really let go.

I'm getting over you, and stop bothering me okay? Help me instead... just help me forget you even just before the school starts again.

Thank you. For everything. Including the pain you had continually caused me. You taught me a lot. Like Jamie did to Landon. KKK~~ No, I'm not wishing for him to die HAHAHAHA.

I'm letting go. Finding my own air to breathe in.

LOVE IS LIKE THE WIND... YOU CANNOT SEE IT, BUT YOU CAN FEEL IT.

and let me add something...

LOVE IS LIKE THE WIND... IT WILL JUST PASS BY AND IT WON'T STAY.

♥,

신성혜

S.S.H.